Today, boundaries are a hot topic, and I have to say, of all the things we have adopted, boundaries are one of the good ones.
Even with the popularity of boundaries, however, there’s a certain kind of boundary that is often overlooked: emotional boundaries. Here, I use emotional boundaries to mean all inner-facing boundaries, i.e., emotional and mental (but these aren’t exactly the same).
Emotional boundaries are one of the most crucial boundaries to set, communicate, and enforce (as necessary). While we can easily distance ourselves from tangible things we want to avoid, our minds and hearts are often stubborn, drifting to places and things we have no business going to. And without intentional resolve, we risk devastating consequences when we entertain improper thoughts and/or get inappropriately attached to people.*
Emotional boundaries are a serious matter even in the Bible. Look at this: "Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls" (Prov 25:28).
Deep! A city without walls lets in all kinds of stuff and can't retain what’s good either. This is true for our heart, mind, soul, and spirit when boundaries are lacking.
Without boundaries, the spirits that shouldn’t reside in us, thoughts that we shouldn’t entertain, and more just come in and remain unbothered. Simultaneously, without proper boundaries, we are unable to hold on to things that should be our norm – things like peace, joy, hope, and others.
So, what emotional boundaries can we establish or start enforcing today? The answer probably differs for each of us, but here are a few thoughts:
Relational. Maintain appropriate emotional intimacy in relationships. For example, if someone isn’t your romantic partner, don’t seek the same level of emotional attachment from them as you would from your partner. Or if a person isn’t a parent or parental figure, don't treat them as such. You get the idea. Expecting more from someone than the relationship calls for leads to unhealthy relationships that ultimately disappoint us. Also, as we stop expecting inappropriate emotional attachments from others, we should also stop enabling such attachments if others demand them from us when it's unwarranted.
Mental. Break unhealthy thought patterns. Thought patterns are regular ways our minds think and react to things. Think of them as water channels. Just as water forms channels through repetitive flow, repetitive thoughts create neural pathways. We need mental boundaries to filter and direct the thoughts we entertain. The Bible calls this "the renewing of our minds" (Rom 12:2). How do we do that? Philippians 4:8 tells us: "[We] fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." With the right patterns in place, we can easily reject what doesn't fit, i.e., what is not true, honorable, right, pure, etc.
Pursue your Creator. Unhealthy emotional attachments arise from our innate longing for fulfillment. We're wired for intimacy, but only God can fully satisfy us because we were created by Him, through Him, and for Him (Col 1:16). Every longing we experience is meant to highlight our need for God, our Sustainer. In Him, we live, move, and have our being (Acts 17:28), and when He extends His hand, He satisfies the desires of every living thing (Psalm 145:16). So, the biggest emotional boundary we can and should set is to seek to be soulfully satisfied with God first. From that contentment and wholeness, we will be able to have healthy relationships, regardless of their nature: parent-child, friendship, dating, business partnerships – you name it.
Today, reflect: Do I have any unhealthy emotional ties because of inadequate boundaries? Importantly, are there any unhealthy addictions stemming from trying to fill the God-shaped void with something or someone other than God?
*I feel I must clarify: Getting attached to people isn't bad; getting inappropriately attached to people is bad. And by the way, both over- and under-attachment are inappropriate.
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